Documentary Family Photography in Dorset | Between Lockdowns
Candid Family Portraits at home in Dorset
The last 2 years have been a stark reminder of what’s really important to most of us. For me it’s been a bit of a wake up call to give less attention to, and waste less time on, the things that really don’t matter as much as I thought they did.
And to give a bit more (a lot more) time and attention to the things that, I’m realizing, I take too much for granted.
The most gratifying thing I was able to do during the periods between lockdowns was to make these pictures for my partner and her family (of which I’ve slowly become a part over the last few years).
In those snatched weeks in between, when she was able to see her children and grandchildren, for the first time in what seemed like ages, I got to make these.
Documentary Family Photography in Dorset - Portraits Between Lockdowns
These pictures are about her and her family. I asked her how she felt about suddenly not being able to see her family during the lockdowns.
So below is a transcript of that conversation in two parts, with a slideshow sandwiched in between (click on the little ‘+’ icons to read more).
Better that she tell you than me.
‘See, I forget..’
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See, I forget. I forget how much I missed them.
These photos just remind me.
Poor Daisy wondered what the hell was going on. This woman she hasn't seen for three months turns up and starts squashing her, which is quite funny really, but I couldn't help it.
It was the first time I'd given her a cuddle for three months.
It was funny with Emilia because she was still a baby. She wasn’t even walking.
She didn’t even know who I was.
And ..um.. That picture where she's holding my finger. I just got down on the floor and let her come to me
I was restraining myself as well. It's funny because I forget how difficult it was not seeing them. Because now I’m back seeing them.. And I forget.
And it is only looking through the pictures that I remember.
And it was only two years ago…Not even two years ago.
Seeing them three or four times a week to nothing. Apart from video chats. It's just painful.
And it’s only when I look at these photos that I remember that.
But then I turn it around and I remember, you know, it makes me think of how lucky I am now to be able to just pop around there and see them and to be grateful for that. I couldn't do that prior to this….
“Granny’s gone mad and I’m squashed”
That’s what the caption should be.
That photo’s amazing.Emilia just didn’t want to know, you know what I mean? I had to just let her come to me.
Was that difficult to deal with?
Yes…it still is…Even now she..
Daisy is for everybody. You know what I mean?
She wants to be with her Mum, she wants to be with me, wants to be with Zoe and Gareth, wants to be with my Dad…you know...just...everyone.
Emilia has a kind of hierarchy.
So if it's just me in the house, she'll come to me. If it's me and Zoe she'll come to me. If it's me and Gareth, she’ll go to Gareth.
If it’s me, Zoe, Gareth and her Mum - she’ll go to her Mum.
And It's like, there's her Mom, then there's her stepdad Papa, then there's Gareth, then there's me.
You can kind of see it. It's really strange.
Whereas Daisy’s just for everybody, she’ll go to everybody.
And I think that's probably just a consequence of lockdown.
You know, Emilia was still being breastfed before lockdown. Because she was only six months old. And of course the only people she saw were her Mum and her Stepdad.
And Gareth. Because, you know, they used to go to Zoe and Gareth’s once a week when the bubbles were created.
And Gareth was the one that got up in the night, to sort her out and to do her nappy and to give her her bottle because Zoe was working and he was on furlough.
So she’s got a really good bond with Gareth.
But there is this hierarchy thing that… you can see it, you know?
She's all right with me. But as soon as Gareth walks in the room, she doesn’t want to know. She's off.
As soon as her Mum turns up it’s like, bye Gareth then she's off to her mom and she, she would always go to that. It's quite…it's quite a strange one.
Well, the first time she saw me, she just…she just cried.
Because she didn't know who I was.
She'd seen me on video screen, on zoom or whatever video chat thing.
And it's just going to take time to build up that bond.
It's just takes me back. To that first week in lockdown. When I knew it’d be weeks and weeks
Literally weeks and weeks before I’d be able to see them.
But it's in the same way. Isn't it? As when you see a photo that makes you happy then you recall those memories, don't you, and then you feel happy….
But these make me feel sad >laughs<
So what value is there in them? Why do you want to keep them?
It just takes me back. I guess it's a reminder. Of what's important.
Because it's so easy to take things for granted. Pick the phone up and call them up.
They want to pop around for a cup of tea and they spend three or four hours here like they did on Friday.
"I remember more about what they say, rather than what they've done. "
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Why are they important to you, if they’re sad memories?
So…because they're not…bad memories.
Well, you know, we went into lock down and I couldn't see them.
And more importantly than that, I couldn't see Aimee.
And I couldn't support her with…what she needed.
I just didn't see them.
I couldn't do anything.
A bit of shopping for them…whatever.
Yeah. I feel very grateful that I can…
But nothing terrible happened, you know, nothing terrible happened to them.
But I couldn’t be a Grandparent. Or a parent. A Mum.
And it was really very difficult.
But looking at the photos just does take me back to how I was feeling then, and, prior to that, not being able to see them.
And how lucky I am that I have them in my life.
So I'm feeling really very emotional looking at them.
And there's one side of me that feels really sad because, at the time, I was really sad when I couldn’t see them. Distressed and upset.
And, the other side of me, at the same time, I think about all the times I’ve seen them since. So I've got these two feelings going on at the same time.
That's what it was like then, this is what it's like now.
I’ve got these two things going on at the same time - flitting between that feeling and that feeling like, that's what it was like. This is what it's like now.
So if you had to name them, what would they be?
What? The feelings?
Yes
Um, well what I felt then, prior to this, during lockdown.
Like on the one hand I knew I was doing the right thing by not seeing them and not having contact because we were all in lockdown but it would have been easy enough to say look, I’ll just come and get you.
So on the one hand I knew I was doing the right thing, because of all the regulations that we were in.
But at the same time, it was just heart-breaking, just not being able to see them.
Um, really difficult being a Mum, not being able to support Aimee knowing that she was stuck at home with two small children on her own with, you know, no sort of nursery, no break.
And also guilt, of maybe having taken it all for granted prior to this. Prior to lockdown
And wishing that I’d seen them more before, even though I was seeing them 2, 3, 4 times a week.
Was it anything like grief?
Yes.. Yes.
I guess that's exactly what it was like when we went into lockdown
Powerlessness, helplessness, and yes, grieving.
Because they were always over here or I was over there.
And then it just stopped.
And knowing that Daisy was really confused. Emilia was only six months old so she didn't know.
But knowing that Daisy was really confused as to why I wasn’t going over.. I guess I felt I was letting her down.
Because I just wasn't there for 3 and ½ months.
There is regret.
Because maybe I should have said to Aimee maybe the girls could come to me once a week.
And bugger the regulations.
Maybe that's what I should have done.
So maybe I feel guilty that I didn’t do that.
Now I can feel all that negativity…going.
And it's too easy to forget how little they were.
And all the funny little things that they did. That they do.
I remember more about what they say and what they've said rather than what they've done.
Like Emilia sitting on the coffee table.
I wouldn’t remember that.
It’s only through the photos that I remember.
And because they're changing all the time and they're always doing new stuff.
That makes me happy.
Seeing those photos makes me happy.
The lump in my throat’s gone now…
See, I would forget all this if it wasn’t for the photographs
I would forget Aimee and the two of them playing with the bubbles in the garden.
You would forget all that. You just forget about it.
I suppose that’s why the photographs are so important to me.
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